Too White For The Black Kids, Too Black For The White Kids.
Growing up, there weren't many kids like me. It was black or white, no gray.
The first time skin color was brought to my attention I was five and fabulous. In my kindergarten class everyone had parents who looked like them - nbd. When my blonde-haired mother walked me in, they stared. Some of the kids asked me if I was adopted. Immediately I felt uncomfortable and lower my head in what I thought was shame. My identity was being questioned and challenged. After all, I couldn't blame the curiosity of my peers - we were only kids. Being mixed just wasn't a thing yet.
I found myself trying to conform to anyone I was around. But "I would never get it" because I wasn't fully white or black. This phrase haunted me for over a decade. I would never be good enough, I would only fit into subcategories. Though no child would want to be categorized; no wanted me. It's liked being picked last for kickball - that shit hurts. The justification for this was fucked up, I was deemed as "lucky" because I wouldn't face racial oppression or privilege???
When you feel like you have no sense of identity, nothing you do feels right. It took me awhile to come to terms with what being 'mixed' truly meant. I can tell you right now, it's not what anyone else has said. I am of the best of both worlds, I identify as a person. 50% black and 50% white= 100% human. To this day people say "you don't act black" or "you don't act white". FOR THE RECORD, YOU CANNOT ACT A RACE.
Has anyone ever said something racist in front of you and then said "not you though" or "no offense"? Like excuse me, you're going to personally disrespect me then try to say I'm an exception to your racist remark? IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. I cringe at the word 'racism'.... don't even get me started on derogatory phrases! 😖
With all that is going on in the world, I am disgusted. I'm disgusted for the simple fact that radical groups feel empowered to practice racial discrimination and hatred. Even more sickening that 45 has single handedly created an even bigger racial divide and tension. I, personally cannot change the mind of all the racist, bigotry-practicing humans but I can spread love and fight to denounce hate.
No matter what today has brought or what tomorrow will bring, I'm going to sleep mixed and waking up mixed and proud of it. As cliche as it sounds, I love being mixed - it makes me who I am. This is something no one can ever take away from me. I wouldn't trade my curly hair and lightly-toasted skin tone for anything in the world. Everyone should feel comfortable in their skin. It's taken me awhile to love and appreciate everything about myself but damn I love myself. 😜
Xoxo,
Darian.
Love yourself, love yourself with all of your heart. We all have different stories and I encourage everyone to tell their story. Thank you for being apart of mine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AjkUyX0rVw