20/20

I’ve been quiet on the blog for a while and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about quitting. I haven’t been well but don’t feel bad for me; I’ve done enough dwelling. In search of normalcy, I have no time for pity or self-doubt. It takes balls to come on the internet and write about your life, the good, the bad, and the extremely ugly. When life got extremely ugly I shy’ed away for many reasons. Writing had become a hassle and I had nothing to add or contribute. I felt burdened and obligated to provide comfort and feed back when I didn’t necessarily believe what I was writing anymore. You see, the blog wasn’t the problem - it was me. I had to confront my demons and relearn self love. I had risen up so much just to single-handedly destroy myself. Though, I was very self aware - I was tired of fighting. I took advantage of my own qualities and filled the void with mediocrity.

I chose to shelter and seclude myself in order to protect myself. I didn’t need anyone… or so I thought. I spent many months like this but when confronted I would smile and pretend like my life wasn’t falling apart in the background. The signs were there but I insisted I was fine. I was filled with anger, sadness, and what I thought was betrayal. I expected everyone to understand my feelings without expressing them. Lost and scared I didn’t know where to turn or how to ask for h e l p . Life felt like nothing short of a tease. I went through the day to day motions but not well. I was a zombie for lack of better words. To most, it was evident I was stressed and maybe even a little depressed but it was worse than I could even put into words. I spiraled out of control for many months whether it were drinking, skipping working or abruptly cancelling plans.

As cliche as it sounds, I’ve been experiencing high-high’s and low-low’s. I allowed myself to get lower than I thought was possibly. I lived for those moments of bliss even though I knew they would end or that the low would be worse - that’s no way to live.

Often times I felt incredibly uncomfortable and untamed. I feared the moment I would potentially explode. When those moments occurred I was a loose cannon. I shattered possessions and hearts all in one. I’ve seen my loved ones cry over me and quite honestly I can’t figure out if it had even affected me in the moment. I was so wrapped up in my own shit I couldn’t see that there are people who actually care about me. And luckily for me, they never gave up on me. Because of them (and my doctors) I am still here, in the flesh. This was a take away year, it has made me appreciate the good things in life and those that I cannot control. At points I felt like this was the worst year of my life but in the same regard beautiful things happened in which I am extremely g r a t e f u l . My mission is now clear: Like a tunnel vision, my sole focus is to get from point A to point B.

Talk soon xoxo