What the funk?!
These days I can’t even let anyone close enough to get past small talk. Small talk has become my best friend. This funk has surely gotten the best of me. I see myself as the helper or comforter in most cases which has worked out to my benefit. The helper is needed to help find solutions or give comfort to everyone else. Everyone close to me is so blinded by other bullshit. We all go through shit, that’s a fact but for once can someone offer me kind words and a hug? I’ve disconnected myself emotionally, I’m here but I don’t want anyone to know it. I have internalized my thoughts and words. Have I become meek? I'm shying away from everything good in my life but I am doing nothing block out the bad. My vision is obscured; I am like a child in the sense - unable to recognize and gage things on a great scale of life.
Could this all be part of 'adulting'? Truth be told, what is there to learn here? Maybe I've become lazy and have fallen into a routine of self-pity? While all of this is possible, I can't provide even myself with a quality answer or excuse for that matter. I write these pieces on self doubt and picking oneself up, now more than ever I'm beginning to question if I've ever really done that or believed in it. It can't stay dark forever but electricity costs money. The hypocrisy of my life is kicking my ass and I am equivalent to a soccer ball.
Three months ago I was hyperventilating on the bathroom floor. Knees to chest I was asking God to give me a sign. How did I get here? The short answer would be that I couldn't find my make up wipes. Truthfully there was so much more behind this. The wipes had set me over the edge but it had nothing to do with what seemed like a dramatic episode. In this moment, I was feeling things I had never felt, the pressure on my chest was immense. I was oh so sad, but about nothing real. When you hit your breaking point every promise and assurance has gone out the window. The lack of concern is concerning. Instantly you are unrecognizable to yourself. The only way I can describe it is scary. To look in the mirror and see nothing - for a split second my mind went blank and my pupils dilated. Hopelessness fills my chest and the harder it is to breathe the harder it is to gage what is reality. Am I really here? I felt like I was trippin' of off drugs or something.
The reality of this is that I was depressed, if you had told me that I would not have listened. I believed the skies would remain gray and I would continue going through the motions. I had to break the vicious cycle that cornered me into self-pity and the unawareness of power it held over me. I am stronger than this mind game and I will prevail. My mental break down was nothing of which I have experienced before; where I am now and where I was then are few and far between. Most people associate smiles with happiness. In fact, there are about 19 smile types and only six of them are deemed as 'happy' smiles. Just a little food for thought. Just because the sun shines doesn't mean a storm isn't brewing.
Take care of yourself and your friends. Be the light.
-D