Bittersweet Healing

I’m doing well. Nothing is perfect but the circumstances will suffice. Through the pandemic, unresolved trauma, and reality, I have learned so much about who I am. If I’m being honest, I never thought I’d get to this point again. Nothing is perfect but god am I happy. I’m alive, living, and enjoying. Enjoying life through the good and bad days. I often felt as though I was at my wits end and it only seemed to get worse. I’m not sure what changed, it wasn’t over night or immediate but I can say with the atmost honesty, I am content. Content with my life and the happiness I possess within. Don’t get me wrong, this year was hard beyond all words. So much has changed and it’s scary to think of the time when I truly believed I was stuck and going through the “motions of life”; I hated life and I was exhausted of living. Often times I’d question the decisions I made. But, all of those decisions led me to this point and thank god. I believed my life was coming to an end whether I chose to end it or not. I had lost the excitement that ran through my blood. I become as cold as a winter day, no mercy for myself or anyone for that matter. I closed myself off to the world and decided to continue the stagnancy that dictated each and every part of my body. At the 25/26 years old I felt as though I was 90. I decided I had life a good life. Was I content? No, but I wasn’t attributing anything to be noticed. Who was I?

With my head held down in shame, I yearned for a fresh beginning. Fortunately enough for me, I was given the opportunity to collect my thoughts completely free of judgement or hesitation. And, this is where I thank my mom, again. If only you knew how much this woman loves me and values me. I mean, that is a job of a parent, yes? But for me at 27 years old, she continues to go above and beyond to ensure my happiness is the first priority. As an only child, I was/am her main priority which is something I won’t understand until I have children of my own. The love she posses is like no other. I can firmly say I am the luckiest person to have Bree as a mother, if you’ve met her, I know you would agree with this statement. None of this is me claiming to be a perfect angel, I’m not, and it is what it is. What I can say is I’m grateful and constantly trying to be the real Darian, the upholder of good. I can’t put into words the gratitude I have for my mother, she is my rock, my North Star, and my biggest supporter. My goal is to make myself proud and in turn that is enough for her, the most selfless being to ever inhabit the world. Whether my life is perfect of not, I can always count of my mother to guide me and help me get to where I need to be even if it means she picking me up during a in a deep sleep. I love you.

Thank you for reading. Take this along and manifest it for something similar or completely different which ever fits your needs. Don’t let one person ruin your life, there are so many more people that know how to love you correctly. Lean on them when you need to. Be picky and challenge yourself but don’t l o s e yourself. Don’t listen to me speak but read my words, they have meaning, they are raw, and they are true.

Love always,

Darian Bee 🐝